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It is me again... [Mar. 25th, 2005|02:23 pm]
[The emotions |Alive.]

I feel as if I am a new girl...find me here: www.deadjournal.com/users/xbloodyxpoetx/

Have fun if you are not on my friends list though...sorry guys...

I no longer post here...just don't have time.

Ye know?
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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2004|10:44 am]
[The emotions |Empty.]
[The Sounds |An annoying buzzing in my head.]


It is a bitch to update 2 journals anymore.

For all your reading needs, go here.

They stole me lucky charms.

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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2004|03:41 pm]
[The emotions |Questionable.]
[The Sounds |Theatre of Tragedy.]

What is the meaning of love?What is the meaning of hate?It is different to everyone.But, is what we all know, real?Does it truly exist?Without good and evil, the world would not be what it is today.There would be no balance...it would be complete anarchy.So, they must be real.I have come to this conclusion.I do not like emotions.They fuck up your reality.

They twist your reality all up.Emotions are simply an illusion.For instance, being in love, or infatuated with someone...For the time that you are in love with them, everything is so perfect.In my experience, you feel so great, while everything is in chaos.Then, something ALWAYS happens, and you fall out of love.It hurts, when you hit rock bottom.Your world has been completely turned inside out.What you knew to be real, was in fact, fake.It is a crazy phenomena.Emotions tear you up.

Emotions just confuse you.They throw you into duality.I wish I didn't have them.They cause me pain, and anger.Love...is just an illusion.

Is life just an illusion?Is death just a dream?What is REAL, and what is FAKE?
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2004|07:24 pm]
[The emotions |boredbored]
[The Sounds |Cradle of Filth "Nymphetamine"]

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2004|06:26 pm]
[The emotions |blankblank]
[The Sounds |Tori Amos]

Wow, has it been a long time since I updated my livejournal.A lot has changed, again.

I moved out of my house on Sep. 26.I am not going back.I told my parents it was not a personal attack to them.I just wanted my freedom, space, and independence.It got ugly...my parents made it personal.They disagree with me...they love to fight me now.Lots of ugly hurtful things were said...and are still being said.I don't want to get into it...

I lived in Henrico with Shelly and Ralston for a few days, after I left.That shit didn't end happilly.I got attacked by Shelly.She did not want me in "her" apartment.She didn't even talk to me about how she felt.At 4 am one morning, she jumps on me, tries to choke me, and slaps me.I learned that night, that she was schizophrenic.JOY!!Crazy people...

I then lived in a truck with my friend (at the time) Alfy.We have been more or less living in his truck ever since.But, no need to worry.We have been visiting peoples houses to shower, sleep, and do other random vital things.

I have a job at Papa John's.I get paid around 15 an hour.So, people, ORDER PIZZA, to see me because you love me.lol.After a while of saving my money, I am going to get an apartment with my boyfriend Alfred.We hope to live in Powhatan, or Midlothian.Whatever is cheaper, and more convenient.

Yes,I am dating Alfred.It is kinda odd for me.I have never had any feelings for guys whatsoever.Other than friendships...He makes me feel happy, and comfortable in my skin.No one has been able to do that.We are happy.

I had to leave Midlothian High.I have not dropped out of school.I am still hoping to get my diploma now.I need to get stability first.Then, I can figure out where I am going to go after that.

It was worth it to sacrifice nearly everything for this.I am happy.I cannot explain how...I am in the middle of a deep hole.I put myself there, I know.But, I couldn't be happier.I think I like to fight...

That is what life is to me...a battle.I will not lose.

I will write more at a later date.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2004|06:18 pm]
[The emotions |anxiousanxious]
[The Sounds |Tori Amos]

1. Choose 10 people from your friends list at random.
2. Write something about/to each of them.
3. Don't tell anyone who the statements are about. Good or bad. No matter how they beg!

1.You were my best friend for so long.We have been through so much.We made so many promises.They have all been broken.We are torn apart.Fear, ignorance, pride, and shame tear us apart.I hope we can become close again.Like we were 7 years ago.I miss you.

2.I want to thank you for your support, and caring words.You gave me a reason to live, and to stop some bad habits of mine.I will always remember the times we have had together.I will never forget how I could see into your soul, and make you smile.I will never forget looking into your eyes, and feeling so great.You kept me alive, when the pain is ALL I KNEW.You helped me become happy, and healthy.Although we are no longer together, I wish you happiness.I hope he is all that you ever wanted.You deserve to be complete...I hope the distance will bring us closer...I hope our worlds will coincide sometime soon...

3.Boy, we have a lot in common.We have been through the same shit.We have taken the abuse.We have been broken for so long...No one else seems to understand how emotions will tear us apart.We are not like them...we feel things differently.Together, we are good for each other.Everyone is against you now."We" are not..."We" will make a famly together...I hope the shit that follows you around goes away soon.You don't need it...not anymore.

4.We have known each other from the 6 grade.Damn...we sure have changed a lot, huh?Thankyou for always being there.No matter how stupid I got.Thankyou for remembering me when I was all alone.You have seen me through the good and bad times...You have seen through everything to ME.How?Can you tell me how you did that?I hope we will always be there for each other.I hope we can be close again, like we were that summer a few years back.

5.We met one fateful day in Midlothian prison.We shared our deepest secrets.I was there for you when he died...when you cried.I was the only one to understand you.You knew everything about me for a while...until I learned a little bit more about myself.I changed, as I departed my old self.You then decided to say you were embarressed to know me.You tore me apart.You know who you are.It goes both ways, hun.You instill anger in me...I will never be able to get what we had, back.Thanks for not being a friend.Blaming ME for everything.

6.For a year and a half, you were life support to me.You were my everything.I never felt as happy as I was with you.I want you back...or atleast, who I think you still are, back.We have been down the same road...at different times in our life.We have changed...in the same way.I wish that you could see me now...I wish I didn't scare you off...I wish you didn't leave me for drugs and Jacob 2 years ago.I wish, I wish, I wish...upon the night sky.I still look up at you through the clouds, and past dusk, until tomorrow, hoping you are doing the same...I still love you.

7.Mwahahaha.Jesus is still attacking me...along with the fake Pepto Bismol.IT IS NOT PINK BISMUTH, IT IS PEPTO BISMOL, YOU DUMB CHEAP BASTARDS!!I love you.We laugh at anything together.We could laugh at a wall.It would be OK in our world.We should really throw ourselves into Tucker's...a 2 for 1 deal!!We can laugh while on pills, just like we always wanted!Damn crazy person.PILL POPPER!!

8.You have changed me in ways no one else could have.It is not a bad thing, either.I guess they were all right...I needed to seek new souls to figure out what I am.How did you do this?Are you some type of magician??I love you anyways...

9.You gave me a place to stay.You gave me advice.You paid your respects.I have known you since I was in the 9 grade.I just wish we could get closer.Trust is something to not be broken...I know.I have dealt with the wrath of unfaithfulness to the extreme.Will you trust me??

10.Although I just met you, it seems that I have known you in another place and time.Maybe I lived in a past life with you, soul mate.We feel everything in the same way.I really gained respect for you that one night we were sitting out on the dock by your pond.You are an artistic soul...I just wish you knew how to show it.You and I are so alike...we will soon become close.After all, I do live with you 3 out of 7 days of the week.

11.(Yes,I broke the rule!)Although you live so far away, I hold you close.I want the best for you...I can't fight them away when they attack you.I can't scare away your demons...when they attack late at night.I can't help you when all you see are shadows and ghosts...I can just read your poetry, and feel for you.Your words are truly great...you are an AWESOME poet...DO NOT EVER STOP WRITING.I love you...I will never forget you.Life may let you drift to all corners of the world...but the computer binds you to me.Talk to me, no matter what.

My past haunts me.I miss them...God, I miss them.I want them.I needed them, for so long.They betrayed me.They hurt me.I will never be the same.And I thank you all the same...
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(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2004|08:30 pm]
[The emotions |deviousdevious]
[The Sounds |Cradle of Filth "Witch Hearts"]

Today....was OK.School was decent.My Study Hall teacher Mrs. Martin was lecturing me about how I will "snap" and use my spikes and chains to kill someone.Aha...God.The school is so stupid.Soon, they will start banning black clothes...and the way you think.WTF.

Yesterday little Ryan dropped by my house.Wow?Haven't talked to him in so long.It made me smile to see him again...I just hope I don't see Sam (CALE! ;P)soon.Donno what will happen when I see her again.

Talked to Alfy on the phone for a while today.He makes me happy.I can be free around him.I loves him!Boy...I hope Jeni is reading this now...lol.That would be great. :D]

My Mom has been fighting with me a whole lot the past few days.She keeps bringing up the past...and how I ran away.She believes I do not understand how badly she hurt when I left.She is right...I am not her.I do not understand how much she cared.But, she still doesn't understand why I left.She doesn't know how often I cut myself because of her.I couldn't just ignore her...and go on with life.I was not in a healthy state of mind for so long...I almost cracked.FOR GOOD.I escaped to be with some good friends.They straightened me out, and I love them for it.Shit will always be the same around here.My Mom will never understand this family...How she hurts everyone, by controlling them.It sounds impossible...but lord...you don't know how crazy she truly is, until you have lived here a few days...

Donno what else is happening with my life now...My life is pretty boring.

Here is a poem I just found in my journal.I wrote it a week ago.


Welcome, dearest alibis
To my world of shadows
Illusions, deceptions and

My nightmares crawl
Through this bloody encryption
I escape reality by
Enchanting the darkness...

Fires burn wrecklessly
Eating away at my soul
Cremating what is left
I'm turning into ashes...

I'm stuck in my
For my fears
Scream in tongues...

They scratch away
At the surface of
My swollen heart
Fucking with my


Why shall I ready the blade
When the requiem of pain
Tortures me so
The sound of the night...

I hide in the cracks
Of my shattered mind
To escape numbness
To escape my


Not my best....ah well.
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2004|09:19 pm]
[The emotions |Psychotic.]
[The Sounds |Nothing...migraine...]

My Mom saw my scars...from where I have been cutting myself...God.I feel so horrible.I don't want to hurt her.I can't believe I just said that.After all we have been through....I feel that I am caring for her a little bit now.I don't despise her for hurting me anymore.(I guess running away helped ME some)

It was really hard to talk to her about some things.REALLY HARD.Last time she saw my scars, she grabbed my arm and got a little too physical with me.It was hard for me to trust her again...

I have decided to go to therapy.I want to take pills.I am tired of hurting all the time.I can't just ignore this anymore.

I don't trust people very easily.Talking to a counseller will be hard as Hell...but I will do it...

Damn.What a day.And night.Tomorrow better be a better day...
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2004|04:38 pm]
[The emotions |morbid.]

I am always depressed.I hate it.I feel like a damn failire.I hate myself for it.I hate emotions.I hate me for making excuses.I hate me for being so unaffectionate and for being the way I am.

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.Not for you.Not for me...especially.What does everyone want from me!?!I have nothing to offer!No light to bask in!So go away!

I have lost everything and everyone I ever cared about (mostly).I still have a few people...Hnery, Jenni, Jenny, Carol, Tana...a few others.But, I am just not close to them like I want to be.

I have nothing inside of me...and I just bleed away ALL THE TIME.I don't want to!!I want to have fun, smile, laugh, be myself!Whoever she is!I don't know everything about me...but I know some things.I just need to FEEEL again.

I need something to make me happy!I thought of everything that makes me happy...guitar,music,writing,friends?But, that just doesn't cut it anymore.And I don't know why.Nothing satisfies me.Nothing is good enough.And I don't know why.

ME:But I am so empty....I can't feel.I am doing my best to love.
My other side:"YOUR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH UNTIL YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED.NOT GO!!!DO SOMETHING!Oh...and don't be yourself, by the way!"
ME:How can I not be me?
My other side:"JUST SHUTUP"

My Dad keeps on yelling at me, telling me how much of a failure I am.I know I am already dead to him!He keeps pestering me about life.It does not help to yell.To get things accomplished, you need to talk rationally.

GRRR!I am doing all I can.Doing my best in school, trying to find a job, smiling as much as I can, being positive as much as I can, being optimistic (I suck at that)......having hope.

Fuck it.Fuck me.Fuck all this shit.

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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2004|02:56 pm]
[The emotions |fucked up.]


Again, I am here
Crying myself into
This darkened land
I know so well...

Again, my tears
Taste like sugar
Because now you
Seem so damn bitter...

Again, I feel every
Miserable tune
Of my heart
This is killing me...

Again, nothing matters
The World just
Is not the same
Without you here...

Again, I crawl
Into deep sleep
To escape this...
All I have come to fear...

Again, I am drifting
Into morbid dreams
Of how it used to be
I scream out loud...

Again, I awake
Covered in sorrow
Trapped in the
Bowels of Hell

Again and again...
I will do this
Again and again...
I will miss you...

I have fallen apart...The wounds just bleed...And I let the world see, because I just don't care anymore.It couldn't get any worse.Nothing could be worse than knowing I have lost her, every time the sun rises...Nothing is worse than having my heart scream in vain every night the moon light meets my face...Nothing is worse than having the blade tear through my pain...just to let it out.When it will NEVER leave me alone.It just finds a way to make a new home inside of me...it will kill me again and again and again...
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